Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Randomize
