the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize