I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
