i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
True but thats because hes a fetus.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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