I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
