he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Randomize
