Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
They took my balls.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
