they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
