we have pet lesbian snakes
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
