He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
