P.S. I can't hear my feet
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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