I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
