At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
