so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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