Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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