Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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