You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
