I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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