Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
