I feel like I'm in dance class right now
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
