Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
