I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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