Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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