i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
