now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
