Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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