I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
