Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
