I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
