I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
