Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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