Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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