You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
