me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
