mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Randomize
