Where did you get a picture of my penis
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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