I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
