Jerry, you need to find god
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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