No awkward lesbian experiences without me
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
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