apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
