FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
