That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
