ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
