Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
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