eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
