Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
