Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
