a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
