I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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