oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Randomize
