tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
