paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
wakey wakey hands off snakey
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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