Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
