And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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