Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
