I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
