think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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