I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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